Hmm, I just started this post, and before I realised where I was I’d written an awful lot without saying much at all. Maybe that’s just the mood I’m in, like I need to ramble. Well, this blog is aptly named, if nothing else!

I don’t know what to say really, I’m just unsure at the moment, about so many things. So much so that I feel overall a bit confused and unsure generally. About my course; where is it leading, what am I going to do about my final project, will all the hastle be worth it in the end (and add to that the possibility of exam results by the end of the week…)? About the next step; where do I want to be, what is possible, where am I meant to be, will there be a place for me here if I want to stay, if not where will I go then? About lots of things, which won’t seem to form themselves into coherent thoughts in my head at the moment, which is probably something to do with the level of confusion in there. My mind is a scary place to be at times.

The result of all of this thoughtfulness? Well, unsurprisingly, I’m not sure right now! But you may have to bear with me over the next few days, as the best way to deal with these things tends to be for me to write it down. Somehow makes it all make sense, or if not, gets it out of your head and makes space for other stuff.

On the positive side, I’m making an attempt to organise a group trip to the Fairport Convention winter tour concert in Aberdare. This takes a darn sight more organising than just buying tickets when you have to find a means of getting there and back among a group of people who haven’t got a car between them! We decided not to attempt last years fiasco of trains via Cardiff (Swansea-Cardiff, Cardiff-Pontypridd, and back again)- not an ideal situation, and we missed the end of Matty Groves! Fingers crossed for that one then!

It’s amazing the different reactions you get when wandering around a city centre with a pushchair. As someone helpfully observed, I won’t need to be able to deal with this just yet, but it is useful practice. Hmm, thanks!

This afternoon Alice, Benjamin and I went shopping (although he didn’t do a lot of buying!), and while Alice was choosing and trying on stuff in Next I was left holding the baby, so to speak. Which was fine, I quite enjoyed it. But people respond to you in a very different way when you have a baby. Obviously he appeared to be mine, and it was an interesting experience. Especially the concerned looks when he was not very happy and making it known!!!

From people with young children of their own, with whom you can exchange statistics (even not being the mum I managed this quite well!), to broody women who squeak while their boyfriend/husband looks worried in the background, its amazing how much more attention you attract with a small person! We made lots of friends just standing outside the changing rooms!!! Thanks Benjamin, town shopping was never so much fun!

I don’t know quite what to say, how to put it into words. We had a reflection today in the chaplaincy, and some of the pictures speak for themselves. I will never be able to imagine it, how it was, what people felt or experienced. We will never know.

All I do know is we must never forget. If we do we are in danger of such terrible things happening again. We must remember, that it did happen, 60 years ago. And it wasn’t super-human evil beings, but ordinary people who weren’t aware.

We must be aware, and we must remember. Richard quotes the emotive words of Martin Niemoller, which sum it all up better than I can.

Lord, keep our eyes open to the injustice and suffering around us. Enable us to be the agents of peace and understanding which will prevent such atrocities in the future. Do not let us forget those we have lost. Let them live on in those who remember.

Everyone seems to be going on about this being supposedly the most depressing day of the year. As far as I can see, the only thing depressing about it all is that these ’scientists’ keep telling us we’re supposed to be feeling down. Which in itself isn’t very uplifting is it? Isn’t this just making people more depressed because we’ve been told we ought to be? Or am I just getting myself confused here?

Maybe they knew that today was the first week of the new term and I had a 9 am lecture, and more during the day on such thrilling topics as Algal blooms and entomology (insects basically). Oh joy, what a way to kick things off! On the positive side, I now have all the continuous assessment marks for one of my modules (including the stonking 90%), and have managed to get into the 70s (can’t remember exactly, but pretty good anyway!)!!! More cheesy grins Now I just have to get my head around another bit of computer modelling (yes, its back!) and we’re away!

There was something else I was going to add, but for the moment it escapes me. Ah well, I’m sure it’ll come back!

Today in morning service we sang ‘I the Lord of Sea and Sky’, one of my favourite songs if only for the words, which always get me thinking (and crying if I’m not carefull). This reminded me of the covenant service a few weeks ago, as it was also in the service sheet from my home church.

“I am no longer my own, but yours. Your will, not mine, be done in all things.”

Every year this hits me, the reality, the significance of those words, giving everything over, and accepting what will be, not because its easy, but because we are called to, asked to. I don’t know how to describe it. Someone else puts it much better than I ever could.

I will speak my word to them?
whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord.
It is I, Lord.
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord.
If you lead me;
I will hold your people in my heart.

But what does it mean, when we sing those words? I’m not sure I’m able to fulfill that promise, but I hope I will have the strength to try. God help us all to.

Thy will be done.

For some reason I didn’t blog this at the time. Oh yes, I didn’t have a computer! Well, you may have noticed references to exams in recent posts. Well, they came and went, with very little worry on my part (which in itself was a source of concern, as I usually panic at least a little..), and two out of three were fine. I’ve now started getting back some of the coursework which I spent most of last term worrying about (as you probably gathered!), and have managed a collection of A’s and 90% for one essay!!! And one which I spent much less time on than I should, and wasn’t particularly sure about when I was writing it. So there, that cheered me up after the one bad exam (which was for the same module). And I am now a very happy folkie indeed!

And from Monday, it all starts again! Fingers crossed for the exam results, and for decisions about projects which will be coming up soon. And, looking even further ahead, for decisions about what next?!??

As I was feeling I should blog something, I came across Nessa’s post for blogger idol which is on the subject of why (insert occupation here) should blog.

Well, I thought, I can’t really answer that one, since I don’t really have an occupation as such. But then, I suppose ’student’ counts, it certainly occupies me at the moment! So, then I was left wondering why should students blog, or, more specifically, why should I blog? Good question. I mean, I read so many blogs that seem to be able to make a specific point, or reveal some great insight, so that they make you think. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m not quite sure why I should blog. The life of a student (or at least my life as a student) seems to revolve around stack loads of work and little else, and a blog includes much the same. From my point of view, I blog because, like a good chat with a friend, it helps to get things of my chest, and share the good times with others. It may not always (or ever!) be thrilling, edge-of-your-seat type stuff, or terribly profound, but its me, and my life. Thank you for reading.

Well, the exams are over at last (although this time there hasn’t been a huge horrible build up, partly cos I didn’t start revision that early, and partly cos there were only 3, all in a week). But it seems worse when not many people are doing exams any more, and when its gorgeous winter weather (see earlier post) and you can’t go out and enjoy it, and when one of the exams is on your birthday! But they’re done now, and that’s one thing out of the way, now on to the next!

I seem to have bypassed the new year resolutions type period, though, with exams, birthdays and new arrivals, they kinda got left behind. Not that I generally make resolutions anyway, or not new year ones. I waved goodbye to last year with much glee, glad to see the back of a great many aspects of 2004, and ready to embrace the changes and challenges of 2005. I’ve been mulling over the resolutions bit, and given there’s going to be so many life-changing things happening this year for so many people, there are many things I’d like to achieve. Just don’t have them in an easy to explain, concise kind of way! I’ll get back to you on that one!

The title of a song I heard on the radio 2 ‘country’ show last night while revising and waiting for the folk session to start at 8.

“I think I’m gonna make it, cos God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb”
Brooks & Dunn

Says it all really.

You know that sometimes you just have down days, or hours or something, when, for no apparent reason everything seems awful? Even though a short time earlier all was well? Well, last night was one of those. A combination of the impending doom (exams for which I don’t really feel prepared, and, to male matters worse, the first of which is on my birthday- grr!), unsuccessful attempts to justify to myself the reasons for putting myself through all this (job hunting, not for now, but just to see if I might actually get one eventually…) and having to share the flat again (flatmate back from hols and taking over again!) after I’d been used to having it to myself for a bit, wasn’t a good formula for upbeat and cheeryness!!!

Anyway, the point of this wasn’t to moan (no matter how much it seems like it!). After all of last nights difficulties and so on, I walked out of the flat this morning and just soared! Not literally. The sun is shining, the sky is blue with a few light cirrus floating by, and the strong winds forecast are making themselves felt (walking through the park among leaves and branches strewn around- it feels like autumn again!). In short, its a glorious day. And even the thought of having to spend it in the library can’t dampen my mood. With my favourite music in my CD player (yes, that always helps, if you’re me!), I almost bounced into uni! The sun is streaming in the window, and I can’t see the sea for the glare! So, for once I am starting this morning feeling good, and who knows, it may even help the revision?

Have a good one everyone x