I’m not one for poetry usually, but this sums up a lot of how I feel about Christmas, and what we make it compared with what it should make us. Hmm. That was rather profound, if I do say so myself. Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone, have a good day tomorrow. May God be with you this Christmas, and into the new year. As my minister put it this evening, “look to the future now, it’s only just begun!”

Christmas, by John Betjeman

The bells of waiting Advent ring,
The Tortoise stove is lit again
And lamp-oil light across the night
Has caught the streaks of winter rain.
In many a stained-glass window sheen
From Crimson Lake to Hooker’s Green.

The holly in the windy hedge
And round the Manor House the yew
Will soon be stripped to deck the ledge,
The altar, font and arch and pew,
So that villagers can say
‘The Church looks nice’ on Christmas Day.

Provincial public houses blaze
And Corporation tramcars clang,
On lighted tenements I gaze
Where paper decorations hang,
And bunting in the red Town Hall
Says ‘Merry Christmas to you all’

And London shops on Christmas Eve
Are strung with silver bells and flowers
As hurrying clerks the City leave
To pigeon-haunted classic towers,
And marbled clouds go scudding by
The many-steepled London sky.

And girls in slacks remember Dad,
And oafish louts remember Mum,
And sleepless children’s hearts are glad,
And Christmas morning bells say ‘Come!’
Even to shining ones who dwell
Safe in the Dorchester Hotel.

And is it true? and is it true?
The most tremendous tale of all,
Seen in a stained-glass window’s hue,
A Baby in an ox’s stall?
The Maker of the stars and sea
Become a Child on earth for me?

And is it true? For if it is,
No loving fingers tying strings
Around those tissued fripperies,
The sweet and silly Christmas things,
Bath salts and inexpensive scent
And hideous tie so kindly meant.

No love that in a family dwells,
No carolling in frosty air,
Nor all the steeple-shaking bells
Can with this single Truth compare -
That God was Man in Palestine
And lives to-day in Bread and Wine.

Everyone knows how certain places and times of year, and even songs and films can bring back memories of the past. These can be good and bad, and can be remarkably effective in transporting you back in time to particular events. For me (which isn’t a surprise) it’s usually specific songs. There have been times when I couldn’t listen to whole albums, or had to skip some tracks, cos they reminded me of a person or time.

Anyway, two days ago I managed to watch a film that will always fall into this category, Love Actually. A slightly soppy, romantic story which takes place at christmas, but which I like because it focusses not just on romantic love, but also that of parents and children, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives who’ve been together for years, and those just starting out. Oh, and the fact I get to swoon at Colin Firth Anyway, this film holds memories of the first time I saw it, almost exactly two years ago. These are good memories, but highlight the fact that so much has happened since then, and things (and people) have moved on.

I try to look back at these times with a smile, not a tear. And maybe this represents a small step in the right direction. Or maybe the fact that I still associate it with these times shows I’ve not really moved on at all, and am still clinging to the past. I don’t know. But I know that, no matter what, it will always bring a smile to my face as I remember the good times.

A combination of being able to talk things through with some friends last night, and having had a good (and very long!) nights sleep means I’m feeling more positive this morning. Today’s another day and all that, and there’s no way I’m going to let such things ruin my time at home, and my enjoyment of Christmas. There’s my stubborn streak again..

Anyway, coming up to Christmas is always an enjoyable time, in recent years not so much related to the excitement of santa claus, but the traditions associated with it, and the ways in which I am reminded of what I believe is the reason behind all the merry-making. Aside from the fact that there are carol-singing opportunities aplenty (and, as those who know me will tell you, I’ll take any chance I get to sing!) and reasons to make myself get in touch with old friends, the whole message of Christmas seems to permeate everything that happens in these few weeks. With advent calendars and lighting advent candles, singing carols, Christmas fayres, nativity plays and making and sending Christmas cards, it’s difficult to control the feeling of… excitement is the best word I can think of, but it’s kind of more than that. It’s like a glow inside, which wells up when I sing particular songs, or hear certain bible passages read in church: “and the word became flesh and dwelt among us”. That word. Emmanuel. Meaning He’s here, with us, always. That’s it, in a nutshell.

How can you not get excited about that? It makes me want to explain it to those who don’t know, and make them understand, so they can feel it too. I don’t know, that’s probably about as close to evangelism as I get!

On a related note, I wanted to share something I read in my home church newsletter;

Christmas gift suggestions:
to your enemy, forgiveness
to an opponent, tolerance,
to a friend, your heart,
to a customer, service,
to all, charity,
to every child, a good example
to yourself, respect

To paraphrase the comment which follows it; many gifts given at Christmas will be unwanted and pushed aside, given to charity shops or consigned to the back of a drawer. The message of Christmas is that of God incarnate in Jesus. Coming as a vulnerable baby, living life as a refugee, an outcast, and a religious misfit. A gift which didn’t seem to fit the purpose or the need. Yet it was, and remains so, the greatest and most important gift of all, which lasts forever, and can’t be packed away or forgotten.

Sometimes I just feel like I need to blog, but either don’t have anything to say, or just can’t find the words to say it. I think very often what I get out of blogging here is a kind of online version of being able to sit down with a good friend and talk about my day- good, bad or indifferent. Sometimes though, when you see that friend, you don’t want to, or can’t particularly talk about it. It’s either too painful or (pretty much always) complicated, or the words just won’t come. That’s when you just need them to make a cup of tea, give you a hug, and tell you it’s going to be ok, whatever it is. I suppose this post is a bit like that. No words at all in a blog wouldn’t be very helpful (and would probably look like I’d messed it up!), so this is the nearest I get.

I don’t quite know what to say at the moment. I’ve had a few difficult but necessary conversations with some friends in the last few days, and there’s a lot of stuff going round my head that I either can’t explain, or shouldn’t online. The next few weeks may well be a little hard. I can’t say more. This is just the web equivalent of needing a cup of tea and a hug.

Now there’s some say you get what you deserve, but they’re wrong
sometimes you get what you’re given, and then it’s all gone
and you are lucky if you are sufficiently strong
to daily decide not to die

Karine Polwart- The Sun’s Comin’ Over the Hill

People tell me I’m a strong person. Not physically, emotionally I suppose. They say that to be able to deal with what I have had (and continue to have) thrown at me, I must be more resilient than most. I take this as a compliment.

However, a few things about this make me think. First, what’s so great about the way I deal with things? To me, this so called strength is just what I do, how I deal with stuff. I can’t really imagine another option. Life throws crap at you, you carry on, what else can you do? I suppose I could collapse in a teary heap (and believe me, I do that too sometimes) or explode in a fit of anger, but that just seems pointless. Some things are just crap, so you deal with them. Life goes on, it has to.

Second, is that I’m not sure whether I’m strong therefore I deal with these things, or these things happen to me, therefore I’m stronger. Do you follow? It’s sort of a chicken and egg situation. I’m not sure that I’m any stronger than anyone else, but just maybe I’ve had more than most to deal with (especially in the last year, and it doesn’t seem to be over yet) and so I’ve got used to it. Maybe if things didn’t turn out badly I wouldn’t know what to do!

And third, I’m not sure I always want to be able to deal with it. Sometimes I’d like to not have to deal with stuff, life whatever. It would be nice if there was a time when things were ok, and stuff didn’t happen that required this much dealing with. I know that’s unrealistic, but hey, I’m allowed. And, maybe if I wasn’t so resilient (or whatever you want to call it), people would think twice before throwing this crap at me. Maybe I make it worse for myself because it’s obvious I can cope. I don’t really think I believe that last bit, but I’m just feeling a bit weighed down at the moment, and need to get it out.

Thanks. And don’t worry, I’m strong enough to deal with this, as I have everything else.

..and enjoying the light!!!

The thesis is handed in, as of about 2.30 yesterday. Following a manic spell in the library printing, and guarding a rather full box file with my life (despite the best efforts of certain people in the chaplaincy to suggest it might come to harm…) I took it into the office and spent about half an hour filling in forms and signing plagarism agreements (that is, agreeing that hadn’t plagarised, not that I had… Oh well.

But its gone. Its strange, feels like I’ve lost a part of me. Everything I’ve done for the past 6 months has been that thesis. I’ve lived it, and invested so much of myself in it, and now I have to give it over to a bunch of strangers, who are going to assess it, and pull it apart. Now I just have to wait for the result… Scary!!!

And I was only the second person to submit in the whole group (there were about 15 of us). So, despite (or because of) all the disruptions of the last few months- moving house twice, nearly moving rooms again and then not doing, and all sorts of other ’stuff’ which has been thrown at me recently, I not only managed it, but finished before all the supposedly sorted people.

So now I’m looking forward to christmas, enjoying advent and carol services, singing LOTS, making christmas cards, planning my most recent DIY project to restore a couple of tiny chairs for BabyBlonde and just having fun. Oh and driving lessons, which I must update about sometime soon too.

It’s finished. At long last, the thesis is done. It’s not handed in yet, due to an accumulation of ’stuff’, namely the secretary not being in yesterday afternoon, my printer going to sleep for an hour or so mid-printing, and then running out of ink. I’ve printed the appendices, which are about half of it anyway! So, sometime in the next day or so I’ll finish the printing, and take it in on Tuesday when the secretary’s back! So, even though there’s always something which will go wrong, the advantage of having set my own deadline is that there’s room to allow for these hiccups. And I’m still rather pleased with myself for sticking this closely to my self-imposed deadline. So all is well.

And tomorrow we’re singing in church again (I seem to be managing an awful lot of singing at the moment, which isn’t a bad thing. As long as the singing itself isn’t awful!), in the evening ‘reflective service’ for advent. Another song by Sydney Carter, who wrote some wonderful songs- a man with a great way with words. This one is one of my favourites, the words are just amazing. The first verse is just magic.

Come, love carolling along in me!
Come, love carolling along in me!
All the while, wherever I may me,
I carry the maker of the world in me.

Lifting and loving you that I am not,
Though your body is my bone and blood,
I wonder at the maker who can be
Before I am and yet a child of me.

Chorus

I lift and I carry you to Bethlehem,
I lift and I carry you to Galilee
I’ll carry you wherever I may be,
I carry the maker of the world in me.

Chorus

In the beginning you were there, I know,
And you will carry me wherever I go.
I’ll carry you wherever I may be,
I carry the maker of the world in me

Chorus

Or, to be more precise, the end of the tunnel itself Blogging has been rather scarce here of late, due to the imminent completion of The Thesis. Hmm, too many long words. Anyway, I’ve had the final drafts checked by both supervisors (eventually) and this week has been one of finishing all the ‘last little bits’, which manage to be so numerous that they pile up into the most time-consuming bit of the whole thing. Well, almost.

I’ve been aiming for the end of November, and cos this is my deadline, I was prepared to go over by a couple of days (which is still pretty good for a self-imposed deadline!), and so I aimed for the end of this week. That is, tomorrow. And I decided that, should I finish this thing, I would want to celebrate. Of course. So, I thought, Friday night I’m going to the pub!! And I’ll tell anyone who wants to know (and probably some who don’t) to come too.

I hope I’m going to get it in tomorrow. I’m waiting on the arrival of some maps from Cardiff. But if they don’t turn up, I’m going to have it printed and ready for them to slot in when they arrive. So, one way or another, it will be done by tomorrow evening.

So, think of this as kind of an invite, to anyone who’s in (or near) Swansea (well, those who aren’t are invited too, they just might not be as likely to make it!), who has any idea who I am (or. even if you don’t- meeting new people is always good!). Tomorrow evening I’ll be in the Rhyddings from about 8. Hopefully I’ll bring some people with me so I won’t be sitting there on my own, but anyway, come and say hello. It’d be good to see you.

From the morning service we did on Sunday (probably should have posted about that first, oops!), I thought I’d share this with you. Seemed kind of appropriate for today…

A child, a baby boy
The hope of the world?
A baby?
Born in a stable 2000 years ago?
Such a hopeless place

All earth was in darkness
Watching, waiting.
And you were there.
In the midst of it all
Into the darkness of that night,
You came, bringing hope

A child is born to us,
A son given to us
His reign is forever
Bringing endless peace.
Love, joy and hope to all nations

For in him, in this baby, was life,
And this life was light
The light of the world
No matter how heavy the darkness
The light shines and is never extinguished
It continues, and increases forever

A candle in the darkness
A city on a hill
Shining for all to see

And the light brings hope
Hope to calm our fears
Hope to ease our pain
Hope to make us glad

Light in our darkness
Joy in our suffering
Showing the way
When we're lost or afraid
Bringing comfort
When the way is rough

We are no longer in darkness
But bathed in the light of Christ

Tell out the Good News
The darkness is banished
And light has dawned

Humble shepherds,
Worshipping kings
Joyous angels,
Ordinary people- you and me
Take heed, keep watch,
He is coming
to dwell among us

Glory be to God in heaven
For he has sent to us a saviour
He has come to us
And abides with us
Now and always

May the hope of this baby boy be with you this advent xx