I’ve just finished reading one of my birthday presents, a book called The River, by TV presenter Phillipa Forester. This is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time, and details the trials and tribulations of Phillipa’s move out of London with her partner, a wildlife cameraman, to a house on the River Tipple in the Gloucester countryside, and the growing love affair with the wildlife of the river. On discovering a family of otters also living on the river, which, to anyone who knows how much this species has declined in recent years, is nothing short of incredible, they successfully apply for a commission to film the river for the BBC, recording the comings and goings of its various inhabitants, and the book follows the successes (and failures) of their project.

This is a such a special book which again reminded me of the great loss I always feel on finishing a really good book. A well written book makes you feel involved in the storyline, and you build up a friendship with the characters, and an investment in their lives. This is even more pronounced with those recounting actual events happening to real people, and particularly so when you find you identify with the people you're reading about. This story, an account of two peoples shared passion for the wildlife around them, and their determination to record it but also to preserve it, struck a chord with my own ideas and aspirations. I'm sure we all dream of lives we will probably never live, and its these that keep us going. But the dream of a life and a job which are this fulfilling, and which bring such pleasure and excitement, that's the kind of dream I can hold on to, and strive to make it happen.

PS. I heard about my thesis result the other day, and don’t have a specific mark, but I got a distinction (vv happy folkie)

Ok, so I’m feeling a little more positive about things than when I last posted, thanks for the constructive comments! I think I’m going to apply for a particular job anyway, it can’t do any harm, and (aside from the driving bit) I think I might be reasonably well qualified for it. I’ll let you know what happens.

On the driving issue, my instructor said last friday I should be about 6 weeks off a test. This is both very exciting, for obvious reasons, and so scary you wouldn’t believe, in about equal parts. Argh! I never really thought properly about having to actually take a test before, although logic said I’d probably get to this point eventually. Hmm.

There are some things that never fail to cheer me up, one of which is being able to get out into the hills and experience the space and freedom of being on top of a mountain. Which is what I did yesterday, thanks to ee who organised a group of friends (a number of whom were unfortunately unable to make it) into going for a ramble in the Brecon Beacons. We had a great time, just being out and about, and stretching our legs. We saw frozen lakes, and a number of birds (which I really must get better at identifying), and admired the views over the surrounding landscape which was bathed in the amazing low winter sun. Fantastic, the best way to spend a Saturday that I know Here’s to another one soon.

I know giving in to doubt and letting yourself wallow in self-pity isn’t the most constructive way to get things done, but there are times when it seems like everything is acting against you and you’re never going to get where you want to go. Like swimming against the tide when every force is holding you back and its a constant struggle to keep onwards, making very small movements despite your best efforts. Now I know how Salmon feel swimming upstream.

And what has prompted this surge of despair? Well, at the moment as I’ve said I’m working part-time, trying to manage on a very little per week in order to give myself time to get the necessary ‘experience’ I need to get the kind of job I’m looking for.

However…

I’m having to work extra shifts at work at the moment, as we’re a member of staff down (the manager no less- grr!) which is good for the bank balance, but not good for the job prospects. So I’m getting frustrated at the fact that I’m currently no closer to getting where I want to be, and this frustration results in me being annoyed at myself for not having sorted everything out ages ago- I’m probably my own worst enemy at times. At the same time, I’m trying to learn to drive, something I didn’t do before as I decided I wouldn’t use it, and didn’t exactly enjoy the few lessons I had. This is a decision I’ve been regretting more and more over the last few months, since I know that for most jobs in my field I will need to be able to drive. Regret is also a Bad Thing for me, cos I then get more annoyed with myself for making the wrong decisions etc etc.

And then, to make things worse, I then I hear about jobs which I would be qualified for (not asking too much experience, and/or asking for the sort I have already through my masters), and which I could do well, and enjoy. Why is this a bad thing, you ask? Well, surprise surprise, I also need to be able to drive. Now. And I can’t. Cue all the regret/frustration etc which I throw at myself over again for not having sorted it sooner, and annoyance that I can’t do it yet/can’t practice outside of lessons/can’t have more frequent lessons cos I’m working. And the jobs go by which I know I could probably do. If anyone knows how I could have a driving licence by the beginning of March let me know.