Generally I’m fairly good at juggling commitments (or at least appearing to be) and as such manage to be involved with a number of things at once. There are times however, when all these things are a little less easy to manage, and once you drop one ball you realise just how many are up there and they all threaten to come crashing down. Hmm. Anyway, I think this was one of those weeks. I’ve just had a long conversation with my mum about it all, trying to work out what can stay and what can (or should) go. The thing is, I have this terrible ability to volunteer for stuff, and take things on which I really want to do but which sensibly probably aren’t a good idea…

The problem at the moment is that I have to get some experience or no-one is ever going to give me a job (I didn’t get the other one by the way, which is probably not adding to the happy jolly feeling at the moment..), therefore in an ideal world this should be my priority. I also need to be more actively looking for jobs too, if I want any hope of finding one! But as we know this world is far from ideal and therefore what I’ve actually ended up giving priority to is working to keep myself solvent (the success of which is debatable, but thats not the point). This is essentially whats getting me down. Along with the fact that I hate feeling out of control (yes, my inner control freak again), and when I have too many days when I feel I’ve just drifted from one thing to the next on auto pilot, without having actually planned anything, I feel like I’m losing control.

Fortunately this is generally fixable, given some time to get myself and my head together. And also not feeling ill for a bit would help I think. Oh grr, why do these things all have to happen at once?? Ah well, I’m going away for the weekend, and I’m going to try not to think about this stuff for a few days, and come back to it all on Monday. Have a good one all!

Following on slightly from my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the things I’m doing and what exactly it is that I’m so ‘busy’ with all the time at the moment. I mean, I’m working part-time and haven’t really got anywhere with the voluntary work, so how is it that I’ve not got more time than I do??

Well, to start with there’s work, which takes up a good amount of time of course. And then this voluntary work thing is easier said than done, and along with looking for/applying for jobs takes up a bit too. These things are necessary. Aside from these, there’s church committments. Firstly the music group, which I somehow have managed to become default leader of, and which I really enjoy- music keeps me sane a lot of the time. Not that you’d know it. And also the bible study group which I’m part of and which we all take turns in leading the sessions. Then there’s other things like planning and leading worship, and writing stuff for SCM. I’m sure there’s more.

Anyway, the point to this was that I’m realising (well, probably already knew if I’m honest) that I have a tendancy to get myself into an organising role in lots of things like this. In any group situation there will always be things which need doing, and even when we acknowledge that we don’t need a leader (as in our music group) someone needs to take the lead to an extent to make sure things happen. There are people who are good at coming up with ideas and suggestions, and who happily take part in things that are happening. And then there are people who are good at (or compelled to) organising these things and making them happen. I think I’m one of those people. Its the sort of thing you just can’t help yourself from doing, and before you know it you’ve said, ‘yes, that’s fine, I’ll send that email/write that report/take responsibility for doing that each week’. Its a problem. And I think one that some people have a tendancy to get into. There are just some people who can’t help it.

But its ok, I’m happy to be an organiser, as long as I manage to stop myself before I get carried away and agree to too much! Now I have to go, I have emails to write and things to plan…

It feels like its been a while since I did an actual news sort of blog, so I thought I’d get a few things off my chest.

Work is going ok at present, although there have been a few ups and downs recently, and the managers position is still open (there’s been interviews and now second interviews- ‘how much longer?’ I ask myself..) and therefore everything is still hectic. I’ve had a serious chat with one of the managerial staff recently about them giving me more advance warning of hours and so on. We’ll see how it works out..

I’ve been trying to get some work experience sorted out too- easier said than done! And also looking for real jobs. I’ve just put in an application for one. Its a little scary, its a proper job, doing the sort of thing I want to, and the description doesn’t ask for much more than I have, but it sounds so real and serious and I can’t help but wonder if I’m up to it and if I could actually do it. Its not the only thing I’m having this issue with at the moment.

I always worry that I’ll be able to meet expectations (of my own usually, but others’ too), and even though I’m confident of my own abilities, there are times (like with this job and other things) when my concerns get the better of me. Its usually when it involves taking on responsibility for things which affect other people. I’m always most bothered about letting people down and not being able to do the things they entrust me with. It doesn’t help that I have more than a little of a perfectionist in me, and that to do something well I have to meet my own standards, which isn’t easy.